On Pockets and Laundry

(posted in blog)

We’ve all been there before. You’ve just finished drying a load of your childrens’ clothes, and open the dryer to be presented with a scene straight out of an H.R. Giger illustration. Gooey, melted candy clinging to every fiber of every shirt, sock, and sweater.

Obviously, checking pockets prior to wash is not an option. The things your children put in their pants range from gross to outright vile—half-finished suckers, snot-drenched tissues, the peas from Monday’s dinner they claimed to have eaten—putrescent booby traps laid for less discerning parents. No, the safe bet is always on the cleansing, dissolving power of detergent and bleach and the longest, hottest cycle the washing machine has to offer. But it’s not always enough.

The solution to this problem is a simple and adorable one: puppies. Prior to gathering the articles of clothing your children have undoubtedly left scattered throughout the house, unleash the hounds. Our Goldendoodle is a veritable bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out the hidden comestible crapcakes that, left undetected, would otherwise lead to a very sticky situation.

If you’re lucky like me, the puppy will go a step further and consume a portion of the offending pockets themselves, opening them up them into sleeve-like portals, no longer capable of containing or concealing anything at all. Imagine your child’s look of surprise as he or she decides to save their half-eaten cupcake for later, only to find icing and crumbs running down their leg and onto the floor.

If I had more of an entrepreneurial spirit, I would start up a new “Puppy Pre-Wash” business that provides this as a service. My army of poodle hybrids would leave no crumb unconsumed and no pocket intact as they scoured the unwashed loads of laundry delivered to me by less canine-inclined parents.

Alas, I am but a humble nine-to-fiver lacking both the audacity and the resources to take the risky leap to self-employment, despite the plain brilliance of the idea. I can dream, however; And I will dream of the puppies.

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